Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Long Road to Hell

With crude prices on the upswing and a provincial government awash in plum under collected royalties, that other brand of Armillaria is re-emerging once again within the ill-sealed woodwork of Confederation. The ASP's Mr. Hutton is also the founder of the 'Law-Abiding Unregistered Firearms Association' or LUFA (pdf) as it is known in the community.

Citing transgressions nearly a quarter of a century in age and a proudly confrontational style, this merry band of palpable republicans are out to conquer the nefarious forces of deceit and corruption - otherwise known as eastern troughies, Bytown Bandits and most preferably as 'Federalists'. Political union has been twisted by the greedy tit sucklers out east they say. The dastardly National Energy Policy being the largest smite of all. The vile NEP has indeed assumed mythical proportions and without a doubt weighs like a two-ton millstone on the separatist psyche. It is handed down amongst the disciples from generation to generation with the pomp and ceremony of Grandma's coveted Tapioca pudding. The story goes that in a selfish fit of greed and power, the behemoth that is Eastern Canada violated the very essence of Wild Rose. With this shameless act of depravity, the Federalist incursion single-handedly undermined the Province and ruined the entire economy and distinct culture. Period. (Of course, no mention of the mid-1980s international crude market collapse is included). The story concludes with an apocalyptic scene akin to the putrid heights of the Irish potato famine.

While there are absolutely no hints of the resurrection of the unspeakable from the Federal government, the mere possibility has whipped a whole new generation of politicos into one long unabridged frothy frenzy. The generation that spawned Reform and left disgusted over a watered down Alliance is on the cusp of redemption. The apocalypse is at hand, my friends. The Eastern Devil is back and the oil patch is in danger! As my colleague is apt to say, 'Hide the Gold Doubloons!'

But the oil story is shaping up to be the plague of federalism for the next quarter century. The latest in an excruciatingly long line of crisis's stretching back to severing Upper and Lower Canada in the late 1850s.

And so here we are once again. In one of the most decentralised nations on earth, another incensed minority from yet another region is outraged over yet another 'injustice' - real or otherwise. It wears on one. A thousand years from now when the history of this place is written, they'll speak of victimhood. People often wonder what it is that binds Canada together. The cult of victimhood transcends all class, religion, race and most importantly region in this country. Nothing more than 138 years of factional pissing and moaning over such abstracts as signs, derricks, waterfronts and cod. No English on the signs? Bastard Quebec. International oil market crash? God damn Feds and their NEP. Toronto falling apart? Feds are shirking responsibility. Cod runs out? Eggheads at Fisheries and Oceans of course.

Perhaps this is why we're still together. Like co-dependent junkies, if we were to split there'd be no one left to blame.

4 Comments:

Blogger Rufus said...

Very well put!

I still think that cheaper airfare at home might create cross-regional tourism which might get us to understand each other...a bit/un peu.

Like that's likely to happen.

9:07 AM  
Blogger R. Christopher Edey said...

What do you expect? Our country even has a $25 million dollar fund to support various gripes about why Canada is so awful and how it disrespected/disenfranchised or otherwise hurt the feelings of [insert favourite interest group here].

Does not anyone realize that labelling oneself as a victim is inherently disempowering?

I think it's sad.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Dick said...

It is indeed sad. Sad that groups which advocate such libertarian principles as self-sufficiency and responsibility are also so quick to pass blame and lay fat, ham-handed cheap shots. It just goes to show that no one - especially in the blogosphere – is out for reality anymore. Whether it be Blogging Tories, Red Ensign Brigadiers or ‘Progressive Bloggers’, agendas are the rule of the day and the going rate for blinders is well under 5 cents/dozen.

I like Rufus' idea. Whether it’s Newfoundland, Ontario or Alberta, people need to get out from under their parochial assumptions and find out where everyone else is coming from. I’m not saying agreement, just a hint of understanding.

Alright, enough of that old-fashioned 60s love-in talk!!!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to get out more and stop drinking... your roomie..ab

9:19 PM  

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